Reading Bill Clinton's "Mind"

Filed under: Anglosphere

The hard fact is that so long as Saddam Hussein remains in power, he threatens the well-being of his people, the peace of his region, the security of the world. The best way to end that threat once and for all is with the new Iraqi government, a government ready to live in peace with its neighbors, a government that respects the rights of its people. Heavy as they are, the costs of inaction must be weighed against the price of inaction. If Saddam defies the world and we fail to respond, we will face a far greater threat in the future. Saddam will strike again at his neighbors; he will make war on his own people. And mark my words, he will develop weapons of mass destruction. He will deploy them, and he will use them.

I betcha think that's old George "Dubya" Bush talkin', dontcha partner? Well twernt. That was nobody else but me, your old pal William J. Clinton. Maybe you don't remember, but back in early 1998, I signed a little something called the Iraq Liberation Act, which stated: "It should be the policy of the United States to support efforts to remove the regime headed by Saddam Hussein from power and to promote the emergence of a democratic government to replace that regime." On February 17th, I warned: "If Saddam rejects peace and we have to use force, our purpose is clear. We want to seriously diminish the threat posed by Iraq's weapons of mass destruction program." Then on December 16th I announced: "Earlier today, I ordered America's armed forces to strike military and security targets in Iraq. They are joined by British forces. Their mission is to attack Iraq's nuclear, chemical and biological weapons programs and its military capacity to threaten its neighbors" And that was before 9/11!

Now I know what you're thinking. You've got two questions: (1) How can I or anybody else attack George Bush for going after Iraq (especially without a "broad coalition" when certainly I didn't have one for my air strikes, it was just me and the /Brits) when the policy was put in place by my administration, and (2) Why didn't I finish the job in 1998. Well, that's what I'm here to explain, partner. But you just keep this between the two of us, okay?

Do you like to watch movies? I sure do. Ever seen that Color of Money by Marty Scorsese? I loved that one. Especially the part where they explained about how you can make more money by missing pool shots and losing games than you can by making and winning 'em. I especially liked the part where Tom Cruise explained how cool it was to be so damn good that you could miss a shot by just the tiniest little hair, so nobody'd possibly be able to tell you missed it on purpose. The Producers by Mel Brooks was another good one. Remember how they showed you could make more money with a show that closed after the first performance than one that ran for a decade? Boy, I could watch that a hundred times.

So you see, it's like this. I'm a pretty smart feller, as you may've heard tell (did you hear about how I managed to squash an attack article about my wife Hillary in GQ magazine?), and I knew that although the U.S. was going to have to invade Iraq and take out Hussein, it was going to be really messy. I knew that whichever party undertook such a policy was sure to get mixed up in a quagmire like Vietnam, and pay a heavy electoral price for it. And I decided it wouldn't be me and mine. So I did the least that I could do, and made it look like a lot, and bided my time.

And the thing of it was, it all worked out so perfectly. Because, you see, despite all my well-known fidelity problems, I love my wife Hillary to no end (I just don't love to have sex with the bitch), and I wanted her to become president some day, which was her dream. And I knew that whichever president succeeded me was going to have to face the Iraq problem, and his party would take the blame. I knew something was going to happen that would force his hand, because that Hussein was just such a goldarn fire-breathing madman. I sure didn't want Hillary in that position, and besides she'd never have got elected without first making some kind of political progress on her own. If Al Gore got elected after me, then he'd be in the hot seat, the Democrats would get the blame, and Hillary wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of succeeding Gore or ever becoming president.

But if the Republicans took over, then they'd get the blame, and Hillary could come right after. See? Meanwhile, assuming the Republicans could ride the sympathy vote from whatever evil deed Saddam might cook up, to a two-term presidency that goes bad in the second term, just like Nixon, just like, well, hell, me even, why then Hillary'd have just enough time to win a seat in the Senate and get reelected, and that would be all the resume she'd need for the Oval Office. Meantime, the backlash against the Republicans might even shift the Congress back to the Democrats after I lost it for them, and when Hillary got in she'd preside over a united government.

So you see, I pulled a little Color of Money. I didn't do quite enough, but not so's anybody could tell, to get Gore in. Try if you can to remember something dramatic I did to help his cause. Hard, isn't it? He lost by the skin of his teeth, and I got lucky with all that stuff down in Florida distracting everybody's attention. Never anticipated it, but it was the perfect scapegoat; nobody blamed me, they blamed them Republicans! Nobody had the slightest clue. That's why they call me Slick Willy. And given what happened to Bush, you could say I did Gore a big favor. Well, you could.

Now, I know what you're thinking: How could I know that the American people would forget all about what I'd done in 1998 and blame the Republicans instead of me and mine? Well, let me turn around and ask you this: How could the American people elect an unqualified hillbilly redneck like me president in the first place, even after knowing how I'd cheated on my wife and lied about it and smoked marijuana and dodged the draft and so forth? How could they elect my wife, with no qualifications and who came from Arkansas of all places, a Senator in New York City? And hey, How much of what YOU did back in 1998 do you remember, much less what somebody else did? Just simple human nature, and I'm a pretty good judge of it. Except that darned ol' Monica Lewinsky, of course. I thought the fat old pig would be so grateful she'd never say a word no matter what, but I guess I underestimated the power of my own charms. That'll happen.

The beauty part of it is, the whole scheme is so wild nobody would believe it, which I've learned makes it the perfect thing to try.

NOTE: This essay was not actually written by Bill Clinton, but by the author named below in an effort to read his "mind." Mr. Clinton was not consulted.

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